why am i sad....

I ask myself that everyday.... Why am I so sad?

I have 2 beautiful children and a wonderful husband. I have a loving family and great friends...

I always feel like I am missing something. Am i not doing something right? I mean, I'm home with my kids everyday playing with them, mending boo-boo's, making them "nummies", change there diapers, give them baths, laugh hysterically with them, and cuddling them when its time for a nap or bed, or even when they just want to cuddle. Yeah the kids get out of hand sometimes, but they are kids. I love my kids with every beat of my heart.

I feel as though the ground is falling out from underneath me. I'm always stressed when it comes to bills and such. Dave is the only one working and before he got laid off from Chrysler we were finally getting back to normal, and as usual someone rips the carpet from underneath us and we are back to where we started. Luckily Dave got a job pretty fast but its less pay and less hours. Which really sucks and it brings even more stress.

I want to go back to school and get my RN Degree but its kinda hard when you only have one car right now and don't have the money to put the kids into daycare. I've ran the numbers so many times and its almost impossible for me to do. I have been looking for a job, but again its hard when you only have one car. Stuck again...

I am so tired of living in a small apartment. I want a house, but with the kind of credit score I have its again almost impossible. If i could go back to 18 years old and tell myself not to rack up my credit cards.. I would! Like people say, you learn from your mistakes and now I'm sitting her thinking to myself.. God what have I done! I'm 24 years old and I cant even get a loan. How bad is that.

Some days I just feel like laying in bed and crying but i cant, I have 2 kids that need there mommy. 2 kids that need love and comfort. Some nights I just watch them sleep, seeing DJ in his "yeiteen aqueen" car bed and Reagan in her crib I feel as though i am the luckiest mom in the world. But Why am I so sad?

I told Dave that when we finally get a house and we are financially stable i want another child. He looked at me and laughed. Seriously?! What is wrong with men? I loved being pregnant and I can not wait to have another child. I told Dave in the beginning of our relationship that i wanted a big family. I guess he forgot...

My weight has always been an issue with me. I get into a routine and then in a few weeks I don't see results that I want so I stop. I try and eat healthy, work out, etc.., But I just get bored and quit. I have always been self-conscious about my weight and the way I look. Out of all my friends, I was the bigger one. Not by much but you could tell.

I really need to call my Dr and make an appt. I don't think I can fix this on my own this time. I think my depression has gotten a little out of hand...

So I ask myself...

Why am I sad?